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Eric Lampaert
Eric Lampaert
Comedy » Comedian Blogs


Comedian Eric Lampaert, winner of the 2010 Latitude Comedy Best New Act of the Year Competition, reveals his credit card pin number and gives away the ending to his latest cheque book in his bid to prove why cash is best.

I have a dream that one day, on this coin-shaped sphere we call Earth, (which money makes go round apparently, but there isn’t enough funding to scientifically prove that theory), people of all colours unite and start living like smurfs; no longer being slaves to Lord money. I have a dream today.

OK, I’m no Dr. King. My dreams are really weird. You’re lucky I didn’t start talking about the kind of dream that Catholics get all angry about. This here dream is about having a utopian world where “Wonga” doesn’t exist and we’re all just nice to each other.

But that’s not the case, in reality we need money for everything - but here’s why cash is numero uno in my book.

1. Chequebooks are useless
Does anyone even use cheques anymore? Having a chequebook is utterly useless, and it’s not even that good a read. Don’t want to ruin the ending for you but Voldermort dies! Oh wait, that’s a different book. Is it? Not sure. But what I do know about chequebooks is that it’s a pain in the arse. It’s like filling in a form. Do you like forms, you conformist? You’ve got to remember unnecessary things like the date, your name and the price of the product you’re purchasing. We’re not all clued-up in the money market! So much to memorise for a simple transaction; for a cappuccino to warm your hands up just so you can sign your cheque properly. Otherwise the signature will look like Jackson Pollock’s trying to steal your identity, and he’d probably get away with it because nobody really signature-checks cheques anyway; how ironic.

2. £5 minimum on cards is a pain
There’s too many details to remember with cheques and the same goes for cards, you have to memorise so many things. Well four things; your pin number (mine’s easy, it’s ****). So fair enough, it’s not that hard, but it can get quite challenging when one is drunk.

The beauty about a card is that you don’t need cash on you. But it can get pretty inconvenient when you hear “£5 minimum.” But I just want a 17p Freddo (which used to be free when I was a kid! Free!) “Fine, I’ll buy 30 Freddos then” And then you become fat. All because you went and used your card.

3. Plastic’s ruining everything
Not only is it taking away natural boobies from the chest of ladies, but it’s taking away the classic way of paying with Monopoly-like colourful paper and clinking coins.

4. The joy of finding money
I love digging into my pocket, the joy of finding a button or some fluff whilst you’re picking out the coins you need. Perhaps finding a foreign coin from your travels. “Ah remember that Euro honey? We used it to open a coconut. Two people died that day, but damn it the milk was good.”
And it’s even more fun trying to pay for something with a €2 coin; the £2’s foreign identical twin.
The thrill of getting caught. So then you’ll have to use your card. “£5 minimum” Oh bugger.

As Monty Python once said “There is nothing quite as wonderful as money, there is nothing quite as beautiful as cash” Not cards, nor cheques; cash!

5. The Queen’s lovely face
Cash is cool. There’s nothing better than throwing a wad of cash on the poker table (I imagine) You’d look like a right ‘joker’ if you threw your chequebook on the table. Or there’s no better feeling than when you’ve just sold 12 kilos of cocaine and you open a suitcase full of the queen’s face; bank notes yer, not just pictures of the Queen. Although they might be worth a lot depending on what you’ve caught her doing. It’s not as nice when you open a suitcase and there’s a ‘Mastercard’ inside; I killed the last person that did that to me, now that was “priceless.”

There's more ramblings from Eric Lampaert at or on Twitter @EricLampaert

Monday, 16th May 2011

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