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Celebrity comedian Eric Lampaert, winner of the 2010 Latitude Comedy Best New Act of the Year Competition
Celebrity comedian Eric Lampaert, winner of the 2010 Latitude Comedy Best New Act of the Year Competition
Comedy » Comedian Blogs

Stealing, sex toys and grape scissors: an unconventional guide to saving money

Celebrity comedian Eric Lampaert, winner of the 2010 Latitude Comedy Best New Act of the Year Competition, talks sales shopping, saving, and, um, sex shops…

It's not a new year without that 'fresh start' feeling and what with the government raising taxes or something (I don't really know anything about politics), why not save a bit of £££££'s for whatever you desire as your new year's resolution; fill a porcelain pig full of coins, that kind of thing. And if you haven't got a piggy bank, then make one. There we are! That was my first tip to save money. Make it out of unwanted Christmas presents that you haven't got a receipt for.

And I know what you may be thinking, I'm a comedian, what do I know about saving money? I'm no banker or accountant but I am amazing at monopoly. I played it a lot; I was a student for three years so I've got a few tips up my sleeve (which is attached to a shirt I bought from Ebay).

Saving starts with an S?

Self-control

Be careful when you're out of your house and near shops that have a 'Biggest Ever Sale' sign in their window. Shops tempt you to buy stuff that you most probably don't need. It's important to learn self-control and not buy on impulse. I've got a pair of grape scissors (yes, they exist) in my kitchen drawer. Not scissors I can use to cut other things, no! Scissors?for grapes. What was I thinking? I don't even like grapes that much. So before you grab a product and head straight for the counter, take a five minute walk, breathe, and think about whether you really need it. Most of the time, you won't, or you'll find an alternative. And if you really need it, go home and check the Internet for a bargain.

Here's a useful but ultimately stupid tip that helps me to steer away from the Big January Sale. The word 'sale' in French means 'dirty'. Biggest Ever Dirty! Do you really want to enter a shop that's dirty? Huh? Well I guess it depends on how your sex life's going. And even then, sex shops are expensive. Could you make a sex toy out of unwanted Christmas presents that you haven't got a receipt for? Is that gross? Depends what your parents bought you.

Stealing

I don't condone it, it's illegal, but it does make it cheaper. But don't do it. But it does make it cheaper. But don't do it.

Stay home

It might sound like a very boring alternative, but trust me, I'm not £30,000 in debt from my student days without having learned a valuable (and expensive) lesson and that's being at home, whether alone or with friends, can be very fun, especially with a little imagination.
You don't need to spend money, or much money, to have a good time. Invite friends, tell them you'll get the snacks if they bring the drinks (snacks are cheaper), get the monopoly board out, stick some 1930's Belgian Jazz at a low volume, and BAM! You've sorted out the next 7 hours of fun. It all depends on what kind of person you are of course. But being childish is fun at whatever age: movie night, games night, Guitar Hero 3 night. Any night can be made better with friends (especially with a tiny amount of alcohol).
I spend a lot of time on Sporcle (www.sporcle.com), which is a great 'mentally stimulating diversion' (I am a geek at heart). There're quizzes on literally everything. It's really fun (especially with a tiny amount of alcohol).

Showers?

I love taking a bath as much as the next woman (I am XY, but so very much in touch with my XX side) but showers are cheaper; a lot cheaper. And if you think about it, with a bath, you're just washing yourself in your own filth, which isn't exactly clean.

And there's reason for that question mark above after the word 'shower'; you don't even have to do that. It's technically cheaper not to wash at all, and it's environmentally friendly. If you live by a river, just go there and wash. And take your dirty clothes while you're at it. Or should I say your 'sale clothes'. Although clothes in French is vêtements. (This blog is also a free French lessons; you lucky, lucky people).

Golden showers will not make you clean. Don't be fooled by the 'gold' bit! It's not that precious Au metal we all want to exchange for cash; a golden shower has a totally different chemical element and will, sooner or later, make you want a real shower, a long shower, which is money down the drain.

There's more ramblings from Eric Lampaert at www.ericlampaert.com » or on Twitter @EricLampaert »

Content produced by Sabotage Times

Thursday, 13th January 2011

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